HEAT COMPLAINTS HOTLINE LAUNCHED: 0800-TOO-HOT!
* Asterisk of truth
Open Mon 9:00-9:05. In case of demand, please take a ticket and queue. Signed, p.p. Dr Summers.
Form HT-1 · First contact
Your case number: Nr. 4.812
HOT TAKE Europe Has No AC.
Summer is here. So is everyone determined to ruin it for you.
HOT TAKE is a lovingly absurd summer tower defense for iPhone: defend your sweltering pre-war flat with shutters, fans and ice cream against waves of grinning sunbeams - while the Heat Protection Authority regulates your towers out of existence and the press loses its mind.
iOS · Free to start · Full version €1.99 one-time · No ads · No subscription
Measuring station 7b · Outdoor thermometer
Official temperature assessment
The Authority will officially assess the temperature at your location. Your approximate location is collected once and transmitted to the Norwegian weather service. Norway has jurisdiction because nobody there is sweating.
Your location is rounded before transmission and never stored. Details in the privacy policy.
Weather data: MET Norway (CC BY 4.0)
Press office · Continuous coverage
Breaking news
Leaflet M-3 · Initial briefing
How the defence works
1. Deploy cooling devices
Shutters block, fans blow, ice cream slows things down. You pay with Coolness - the only currency that matters in a heatwave. And that is only the basic kit.
2. Repel the suns
Grinning sunbeams advance in waves. If the thermometer hits 42°, the file is closed. Your file.
3. Survive the regulations
Between waves, the Heat Protection Authority regulates your towers away. Comply - or purchase an exemption permit. Both have consequences.
Case files S-1 to S-5 · Register of threats
Known troublemakers
The following subjects are known to the Authority. If sighted: close the shutters and remain calm.
WANTED
Standard Sun
Wanted for: Unlicensed shining in residential areas
Wears sunglasses to avoid recognition. Is recognised anyway.
WANTED
Midday Heat
Wanted for: Exceeding the permitted maximum speed
Moves in zigzags. Presumably to dodge paperwork.
WANTED
UV Roller
Wanted for: Operating heavy machinery without a permit
Slow but unstoppable - much like the Authority.
WANTED
Humidity Jellyfish
Wanted for: Persistent public nuisance
Will not leave. Not even after a request in triplicate.
WANTED
The Sun Boss
Wanted for: Impersonating an official with an oversized stamp
Senior management. Issues regulations personally and approves itself.
§ Official note: this is merely an excerpt from the register. Many more subjects await in the game - the Authority can barely keep up with the filing.
Annex K · Approved cooling devices
Officially approved countermeasures
The following devices are conditionally approved after inspection. Approval may be revoked by regulation at any time. It will be.
Shutter
Shading installation, class B
Physically blocks sunbeams. Trusted by generations of southern Europeans.
§ Upgrade levels 1-3. From level 3, officially classified as a 'bunker'.
Fan
Air circulation device, 60 watts (officially: 12)
Produces wind. Pushes the heat back where it came from.
§ Entitled to mandatory rest breaks. See Occupational Safety Directive.
Ice cream
Cold goods, dripping
Slows down everything in range. Including you, if you eat it.
§ Consumer protection warns: ice cubes are cold. That is the point of ice cubes.
§ Excerpt from the device list. More approved models and upgrade levels await in the game - including an awning with strong opinions about duty.
Regulatory affairs · Automated decrees
Regulation generator
The Authority issues regulations fully automatically. Draw one - it takes effect immediately and is exactly as real as in the game.
Energy Efficiency Directive · Ref. TE-665/HX
THERMAL EFFICIENCY ORDER TE-665
All cooling appliances in the household are to be throttled to the permitted power rating. Your 60-watt fan is hereby reclassified as a 12-watt device. The effectiveness of your entire defence is reduced accordingly.
DULY NOTED
Examination procedure E-42 · Simulation
Official aptitude test
Before you get the app, the Authority will test your basic heat-protection aptitude. The test takes 45 seconds. The usual conditions apply: there are none.
The minigame is a visual canvas simulation of the game concept: place towers, repel suns, survive a regulation. All content on this page is accessible without the minigame.
Controls: select a slot by click/tap or keys 1-3, build a device by click or keys R/V.
Free to try · Full version €1.99 (one-time purchase)
Outgoing mail · Self-service
Your personal official notice
Every defeat in the game ends with an official notice. Yours is already prepared - you merely need to collect it. With your name on it, if you wish.
…
Leaflet M-9 · Citizen dialogue
Frequently filed applications
What is HOT TAKE?
A tongue-in-cheek summer tower defense for iPhone. You defend your pre-war flat (and nine other locations, from the public pool to the citizens' registration office) against advancing sunbeams - while a fictional Heat Protection Authority regulates your towers away and the press reports in an endless loop.
Where do I get it?
On the App Store - just search for 'HOT TAKE' or use the download button on this page. Getting started is free, with no account and no sign-up. Only a cookie banner. A satirical one.
How much does it cost?
The first waves are free. After that, the full game costs €1.99 once (the store price may vary slightly by country). No ads, no subscription, no energy mechanics. The only paywall is a government form - and that is intentional.
Which devices?
iPhone (iOS 18 or later), portrait mode, one hand is enough. The other stays free for ice cream.
Which languages?
German, English, Spanish, French, Italian, Dutch and Polish. Every version has its own bureaucracy - the subtitle is a different real-world red-tape reference in every country.
What does the game poke fun at - and what's off-limits?
It laughs about media hysteria, red tape and cookie banners. It does not laugh about people who suffer in the heat, or about climate science. In the game, the temperature is the antagonist taken seriously - the regulations are the punchline.
Is the Heat Protection Authority real?
No. Not yet.
Free to try · Full version €1.99 (one-time purchase)